'I want to do' versus what 'I should do' versus what 'I'm currently doing'

I know I have a tendency to blather on about what 'I want to do' versus what 'I should do' versus what 'I'm currently doing'.

I 'SHOULD' be going to college and making something of myself. I know that having children is an awesome experience. But for someone personally....there's got to be something more out there. Something more than cleaning and doing laundry......I also feel like I 'SHOULD' be working.....

I am 'CURRENTLY' a stay at home mom and housewife. With no education that's worth anything and next to nothing work experience. Who is a chronic daydreamer that wants to travel, go to parties, and gain a vast understanding of the world around me. Of course I can still possibly do those things. The problem is I probably won't do them while I'm young. That's what bugs me. That's what eats at me. I also bitch about not attending college, when it's no one's fault, but my own. It can't be helped though in a way since Boo isn't in school quite yet.

What I am yearning 'TO DO'? I want to write, but ever since Candace ditched me. I have kind of lost the interest......I can't quite focus. When I do manage to get something out I work on it so much, I get burnt out, and don't want to touch it. I want to own a business, but I am math illiterate. I wouldn't mind being a paranormal investigator, but without a televised network. You're really nothing except a starving artist with fancy utensils.

My God......I have become cliched and typical. If I was wearing a knitted hat and sitting in a coffee shop. I would be a like every other yuppy hipster clicking and clacking away on a blog. Being obsessive and incessant about their life or lack thereof. Now I feel totally disgusted about myself.......

REALIZING THAT THE INTERNET HAS A VENDETTA AGAINST A RYAN D. BUELL BLOG

SO......as of late I have been going through a paranormal kick. It has been a long while since I have really wanted to study things that go 'bump in the night'. Although it is something that is a favorite past time of mine. Since becoming an avid Netflix addict I stumbled across their niche of spooky things. Among those things are Paranormal State and Ghost Hunters. Even though I am a fan of Ghost Hunters, I have never really given Paranormal State a fair chance..... In all honesty I originally considered Ryan a pompous frat with a camcorder. Who goes on night charading escapades with his fellow classmen. After watching two episodes on Netflix I have become hooked. Don't get me wrong some parts of it are kind of cheesey in a way, but you keep viewing anyway. Just so you can get to some good parts. The following day I watched 18 episodes simultaneously. Of course I had to stop here and there for the children and my personal fare. But I watched almost an entire season within a day. It's four or five days later and I am about to start watching Season 3. If that tells you anything.......(*cough* That I'm a certified nerd.) Also it's not hard to piece together that although Ryan and his PRS Crew are professional adventurers, they are still amateurs at dealing with the next steps in investigations. You come to realize this by how often they have Chip Coffey and Lorraine Warren are present. Which isn't that bad of a thing. If I had such resources I would use them too. Chip Coffey and Lorraine Warren are another integral part of why I watch the show. I grew up hearing about them from my mom and watching them on television. Chip is a very friendly person and though he comes off as dramatic. That is how he expresses himself. Lorraine is a sweetheart and is a very gentle soul. In my newfound passion of the unexplained and watching Paranormal State. Also as a semi-avid blogger, I wanted to keep up on Ryan and his solo investigations via blog. Yet when I Googled for it all that I managed to find was his Myspace Blog. Which he hasn't updated since 2011, I can understand though, since it's been recently dubbed Deadspace. (Fondly thinks about smoshTV's 'If the internet were real'. Tom: 'Is anybody still there?' LMAO) I also came across his contributed articles to Huffington Post and blogs criticizing him for being bisexual. Yet no actual blog of his has been found..... All in all he may not have one. Which would be surprising since he always has something to say. I like his personality, but the man is a chatter box (in a GOOD way). Usually people who talk alot have blogs. Anyways if anyone has any info about whether he has one or not. Message me or comment below. It would be much appreciated. Thanks. :)

I HAVE CAUSE TO APOLOGIZE

I would like to give my most sincerest apologies. To one of my best friends in the entire world. I talked a bunch of mess out of my ass about her. Out of blind anger. And I am terribly sorry for it. I hope she knows that.
I would delete the posts. But it was a major event in my life. My marriage was falling apart, I was pregnant, I was losing friends including myself.

I completely lost my identity. I was giving a piece of myself to this person and this situation. Until I gave and gave until there was nothing left of me. Just a shell. A silence if you will. I didn't do anything. Mainly because I didn't want to do anything. I stabbed alot of people in the back. And at the time I didn't care. I hurted. So everyone else should too.

I wasn't a good person. I didn't want to be. Nothing good was happening for me.

A few months after my nastiness. We lost a good friend. And I knew the best friend I hurt. Was probably dying inside from the loss. But I was too ashamed of how I left things. To pick up the phone and call her. Or even text her. I cried not only because of the valuable person we lost. But because of the person I was letting down. The person who I was leaving alone to deal with so MANY things.

Several months after that. The grief and the anger at myself and the pain I had been holding in. Wouldn't leave me be. I tried so hard to bottle the feelings. To ignore them. Scream at them in my head. But to no avail.

I missed her pretty bad and surprisingly she had missed me too. I honestly don't think I deserve her forgiveness. Or if I still have it after her reading this blog. But I would do anything to earn it back.