How Do I Begin To Explain........

Let me start by saying that today is my six year wedding anniversary.....and I feel kind of numb. I believe "shell shocked" is the term I am looking for. Today two of my friends apparently decided to go their separate ways from me. Why? Well, that is between me and them and any interpretation that they wish to share. Somehow I have gained a knack for people to disassociate themselves from me on important dates. Example Candace on my mother in law's birthday. Now Abby and Leslie on my wedding anniversary?
The phrase, "sometimes things fall a part for better things to come together", comes to mind. Yet right now I see no silver lining in this. I am kind of at a loss for words right now.
....I really don't know how to feel....

Nothing Makes Sense Right Now....

I seriously feel like I am trapped in the hell that is my mind......everything is great and then **WHOOSH** I am falling off an emotional cliff. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT.....I have so much built up inside of me. I don't even know where to begin....maybe I am just being stupid. I don't know.

I miss my best friend alot even though she doesn't miss me. I tried to renconcile with her by sending her a FaceBook message of course she ignored it, I knew she more than likely would. I am glad that she is doing well for herself and her family is coming more together. I am really happy for her. We haven't spoken in over a year, and it hurts quite a bit. I miss her mom who was like a second mother to me. I enjoyed hanging out, and making dinner with them. I miss her dad alot he was the only father figure I really had or knew. I don't know why I am so hung up over not having a friendship with her anymore.......I have tried keeping in contact with her mom only to be ignored by her as well. I have tried unfriending anyone tied to her except a special few, but I just can't bring myself to do it....maybe I should force myself to.
She was like a sister to me, we did everything together, we shared everything, and we never kept secrets. I think near the end of our friendship she became ashamed of me, I couldn't match up to her lifestyle, new friends, or her new guy. I just didn't mesh in anymore. As her and I use to say, "like a weird piece of furniture" in her life.

I lost my aunt this past October, she was unhappy for a long time, and took her own life. I tried to talk to her everyday, but she kept pushing everyone out and away. I just feel guilty sometimes, like I could have done more. I should have been there more. Maybe I should have tried to visit her more while in the neighborhood, even if it meant her not answering the door. At least she would have known I tried. Maybe find ways for her to see the girls more. I don't know what I could have done, I just know I should have done something. And it eats at me and eats at me and eats at me.....and I hurt and I hurt and I hurt....

Everything has been eating at me. I am scared to get close to anyone lately for fear of them rejecting me somewhere down the line or not being here period. I have had two friends, and one family member kill themselves over the past 10 years. Not including another friend dying in a bizarre non suicidal way.

Talking to my half brother brings up unresolved feelings and issues with my dad's side of the family. I just don't know how to deal anymore. I am tired of crying, it does nothing, but make me feel weak. And I hate it.....