Nothing Makes Sense Right Now....

I seriously feel like I am trapped in the hell that is my mind......everything is great and then **WHOOSH** I am falling off an emotional cliff. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT.....I have so much built up inside of me. I don't even know where to begin....maybe I am just being stupid. I don't know.

I miss my best friend alot even though she doesn't miss me. I tried to renconcile with her by sending her a FaceBook message of course she ignored it, I knew she more than likely would. I am glad that she is doing well for herself and her family is coming more together. I am really happy for her. We haven't spoken in over a year, and it hurts quite a bit. I miss her mom who was like a second mother to me. I enjoyed hanging out, and making dinner with them. I miss her dad alot he was the only father figure I really had or knew. I don't know why I am so hung up over not having a friendship with her anymore.......I have tried keeping in contact with her mom only to be ignored by her as well. I have tried unfriending anyone tied to her except a special few, but I just can't bring myself to do it....maybe I should force myself to.
She was like a sister to me, we did everything together, we shared everything, and we never kept secrets. I think near the end of our friendship she became ashamed of me, I couldn't match up to her lifestyle, new friends, or her new guy. I just didn't mesh in anymore. As her and I use to say, "like a weird piece of furniture" in her life.

I lost my aunt this past October, she was unhappy for a long time, and took her own life. I tried to talk to her everyday, but she kept pushing everyone out and away. I just feel guilty sometimes, like I could have done more. I should have been there more. Maybe I should have tried to visit her more while in the neighborhood, even if it meant her not answering the door. At least she would have known I tried. Maybe find ways for her to see the girls more. I don't know what I could have done, I just know I should have done something. And it eats at me and eats at me and eats at me.....and I hurt and I hurt and I hurt....

Everything has been eating at me. I am scared to get close to anyone lately for fear of them rejecting me somewhere down the line or not being here period. I have had two friends, and one family member kill themselves over the past 10 years. Not including another friend dying in a bizarre non suicidal way.

Talking to my half brother brings up unresolved feelings and issues with my dad's side of the family. I just don't know how to deal anymore. I am tired of crying, it does nothing, but make me feel weak. And I hate it.....